Life goes on

My grandfather turned 85 the other day. This is hugely exciting, not only because it's a milestone sort of number, but also because only a month ago, we weren't sure he was going to make it to this day. Right before the new year, he got very sick and ended up in the ER, having a hard time breathing. He was diagnosed with pneumonia, they thought he may have had a minor heart attack (how can a heart attack be minor?) and he couldn't breathe on his own. Add to this the fact that his body was already weak from dealing with Parkinson's for the last four years, and you have one very ill grandpa. Thankfully, after a few weeks of intense hospital care (thank G-d for the amazing nurses and doctors), grandpa was well enough to relocate to a rehab center. He still couldn't do much for himself, and his mind was fairly fuzzy, especially in the evenings, but he wasn't in immediate danger any longer.

Now, the people at the rehab center want to discharge grandpa next week. I would be happy about this, but it brings up the issue of what to do now. We (mom, dad, grandma, and I) aren't sure if it would be a good idea to bring grandpa home. He still can't stand up without a fairly strong person helping him, and grandma is a tiny (though quite fierce) woman. Through sheer willpower, I'm sure she could manage, but at what cost? We don't want her to ruin her health, either, and if she tries to take care of grandpa on her own, that's what will happen. Grandma is also quite stubborn (that's where mom, sister, and I all get it, I think), and refuses to even consider moving in with mom and dad. So, the options are to try and find a person that could live with them (where? Their apartment is tiny and grandma is against moving) or put grandpa in the Jewish nursing home, which has a really good reputation, but is a nursing home nonetheless. There are pros and cons to both options, but it's all very depressing. I wish I were 5 again sometimes, and could just pretend none of this had anything to do with me, but I can't. On the other hand, I'm glad that this happened now and not a year ago, when I wasn't in the Bay Area and couldn't be near my family.

Decisions will be made and things will figure themselves out, I know. I'm glad I'm here and able to visit grandpa and provide support to the rest of the family. I wish this wasn't so hard, but life is never easy, is it? Happy birthday, grandpa, and many more.

Love's Lessons Learned

It's very interesting, being in a real relationship. I've always had these different ideas in my head of what a relationship would be like, how I would feel, what would and wouldn't be ok...and now that I'm actually dating someone (let's call him Jack, just because), I realize that I was correct on a few counts, but way off on a lot of things.

The things I was right about are few, but important, and so deserve their own, separate post. The things I was wrong on? Boy, there are a lot of them. Not that's it's a bad thing at all...I'm glad to be learning and modifying my point of view, but it really is quite a long list. Here goes!

1. I don't get nearly as jealous as I expected to. This one has a lot to do with our friends, I think. The group Jack and I hang out with is a very affectionate bunch, so it feels natural to hug everyone, or hold hands with random people in the group when we're sitting around. Now, if someone asked me before how I'd feel about my boyfriend holding hands with some (cute) girl he was friends with, I would, without a doubt, answer that it would make me unhappy and jealous. Now, though, I realize that I trust him and I trust all the people in the group, and it really doesn't matter. I think I would still be unhappy if he was holding hands with someone outside the group, or if things went any farther than that, but I now realize that jealousy really is a matter of context.
2. I'm far less self-conscious about being teased than I thought I would be. I used to be very easily embarrassed about teasing of any kind, but especially things having to do with sexuality, however tame. For a girl who's never done anything beyond kissing, having people assume that I'm more experienced was pretty mortifying. So when I heard someone say to his girlfriend, in response to an apology from her about something pretty small, "that's ok, you can make it up to me tonight," I shuddered to think that someone might ever tease me like that in public. Now that I'm dating Jack, though, I'm far less self-consious about things. Partly it's that our group knows we're not sleeping together, since I've been forced (that's another story) to be kinda vocal on the topic. So if he teases me, or if someone else does, it's clear that it's all in good fun, and no assumptions are made. I still get uncomfortable if conversations turn too detailed (about other people, never about me, thankfully), but I think that's only natural, and I just find a way to drift to a different group of people.
   
3. I'm less comfortable with PDA than I expected. I was never a person who looked at a couple who were affectionate with each other and thought, "Eww," unless they were really over-the-top making out with each other. So, I never thought I'd feel self-consious about Jack wanting to randomly kiss me in the middle of something, which he does every once in a while. It's odd, but I'm really aware of who's around now...everything feels like it should be private, and when it isn't, I get weirded out. It's not like we're doing anything I would be really horrified about, should someone accidentally walk in on us, but I still feel very protective of our privacy. Weird.
   
4. I still have chemistry with other people, which is a surprise. A big surprise. Somehow, even though I hadn't thought it through in quite so many words, I assumed that as soon as I started dating someone, I wouldn't have chemistry with anyone else. Right. And it's ok, self-control is all well and good and I have no desire to cheat on my boy, but it was just surprising. It probably shouldn't be, but there it is.
   
5. The line between what is ok to do and what isn't, in terms of physical affection, isn't as clear as I had hoped it would be. I always said I wouldn't do anything more than kissing until I got married, and I still intend to do that. However, it hadn't occured to me that "kissing" isn't as clear a line as I thought it was. Kissing where? Is it ok only on the face area? Or is neck ok, too? Where does the neck end, in that case? And what about shoulders? They're a pretty neutral area. And so forth, right? We seem to have worked out a pretty good working definition, but I still worry sometimes.
   
6. I can be happy dating someone I don't think I'm going to marry. This is maybe the biggest surprise. I never thought I'd date a guy who I really didn't think I'd marry, but that's what's happenning. Jack isn't Jewish, and while he's perfectly fine with me being sort of observant, he's a fairly outspoken atheist. Right there, that's a good reason for not marrying him...plus, there are more. Still, I'm happy to be dating him right now. It's the first real relationship for both of us, and it's been really good to us. I thought it would bother me, knowing that there's an ending (sort of) in sight, but I'm ok with that right now. Living in the moment and all that. I'm not usually good at that, but it seems to be working.

So, there it is...the things I never thought would be true, but are. Fascinating, how reality never really matches theory.

Not so coincidentally, today, it's been 5 months for us. Amazing.

Sometimes I wish I were a computer nerd

Since I work in psychology research, I spend a good deal of my time working with people. Usually, this is a good thing. I love meeting new people, learning their stories, feeling like I'm helping them, if only because I'm someone who will listen to what they have to say without making a judgment. Many of the people who do our study have had seriously bad things happen to them in the past, and we're often the very few people they ever talk to about their thoughts and feelings. So, in general, even when I'm bummed about all the horrible stuff people go through, I feel better knowing that I'm contributing to the healing process.

As with most well-designed studies, we have a control group. The control participants are healthy individuals with no psychological disorders whose data is used as a sort of baseline measure. Basically, we're asking how people with a specific psychiatric diagnosis differ from "normal" control subjects in the things we're measuring. The control tend to be easier to find, since the criteria are less restrictive. They're also usually better adjusted, emotionally, than the other group. This makes it easier to steer them through the admittedly complicated study procedures.

All of this is, of course, generalization...as I found out the hard way a couple of days ago. One of our participants, a very cranky lady, dropped out of the study after nearly completing all the procedures. What this means for us is that we can't use any of her data, since the end procedures are the critical ones. This is, literally, days of my time, gone down the drain. And why did she decide to quit? One of the staff members (nursing, not one of our staff) reminded her too much of her mother and, according to her, was condescending. Oh, man. Don't even get me started. We do everything for days to make her study process as seamless as possible, and all of a sudden, she quits, because she can't handle talking to one person for 5 minutes! You can imagine how I was feeling yesterday. Ha.

The lesson to all this? I really need to work on patience. I think I did a good job of being patient with her, and not rude or snappy or any of the things I was feeling, but I was still really angry. Later, I spoke to my mom, and she said, "Well, you were the one who wanted to work with people. What did you expect?" And that's so very true. I am the one who chose this career path, knowing full well that I would have to deal with lots of different people. Some will be wonderful, friendly, and cooperative, and I will be extremely glad that I chose this field. And some will be cranky and grumpy and hard to deal with, but they're also giving us their time and effort, and deserve my friendly attention as much as the nice people do. It would be great if the world consisted of all nice people, but it's unfortunately not the case, and if I want to be a psychologist and really help people, I need to be aware of this, accept it, and love it for what it is. It's a chance for me to learn and grow, to develop my people skills, and to become better at helping others. And so, it is a good thing.

But in the meantime, there are days where I wish I were a computer nerd, and not a people person.

Starting it off right

Well, I suppose as a first post, I shall have to do some kind of an introduction. It seems a little cliche, but also somewhat needed. So here is a brief summary of me, and why this blog is here. Not too much detail, since I'll write more about my life as the blog goes on, but just a quick description to get things started.

Who am I? I am a 20-something, recent grad of Good Public University. I live in the wonderful city of San Francisco and work in An Interesting Area of Psychology. I wish I could say more about my work, but there aren't a huge amount of people in the same research area, and I'm going to try and remain somewhat anonymous. I have a supportive, if somewhat nutty family who all live pretty close to me, for better or worse. I dance, read, spend way more time online than is really necessary, and hang out with my boyfriend or other friends in the rest of my spare time. I'm Jewish, not super religious but growing in faith. I want to go graduate school, eventually. I love the Bay Area and am somewhat afraid to leave.

Why the blog? I struggle with a lot of different things in my head, some inherent contradictions, and some just issues that I'm not sure what to do with. I want to get them out there, up for discussion, maybe, but just in the open and out of my head. I find that it's easier to deal with things when they're not rolling around in the dark corners of the brain but are, instead, out and solid and not so intimidating anymore.

There are a lot of topics I want to blog about, but to give a preview, here are a few.

• Balancing religion with life in a very liberal city.
• Being "in the middle" with all my friends: more conservative than many, more liberal than some, with no one who really agrees with a lot of my views.
• Being in a relationship I know isn't forever, yet wanting a forever sort of thing.
• Working, playing, and figuring out a good balance between the two.
• Dealing with family who wants to treat me as if I'm still a teenager, not a college grad with a job and a life.
• and more, I'm sure.

Well, I suppose that's all for know. Welcome, if anyone is reading this!