Love's Lessons Learned
It's very interesting, being in a real relationship. I've always had these different ideas in my head of what a relationship would be like, how I would feel, what would and wouldn't be ok...and now that I'm actually dating someone (let's call him Jack, just because), I realize that I was correct on a few counts, but way off on a lot of things.
The things I was right about are few, but important, and so deserve their own, separate post. The things I was wrong on? Boy, there are a lot of them. Not that's it's a bad thing at all...I'm glad to be learning and modifying my point of view, but it really is quite a long list. Here goes!
- I don't get nearly as jealous as I expected to. This one has a lot to do with our friends, I think. The group Jack and I hang out with is a very affectionate bunch, so it feels natural to hug everyone, or hold hands with random people in the group when we're sitting around. Now, if someone asked me before how I'd feel about my boyfriend holding hands with some (cute) girl he was friends with, I would, without a doubt, answer that it would make me unhappy and jealous. Now, though, I realize that I trust him and I trust all the people in the group, and it really doesn't matter. I think I would still be unhappy if he was holding hands with someone outside the group, or if things went any farther than that, but I now realize that jealousy really is a matter of context.
- I'm far less self-conscious about being teased than I thought I would be. I used to be very easily embarrassed about teasing of any kind, but especially things having to do with sexuality, however tame. For a girl who's never done anything beyond kissing, having people assume that I'm more experienced was pretty mortifying. So when I heard someone say to his girlfriend, in response to an apology from her about something pretty small, "that's ok, you can make it up to me tonight," I shuddered to think that someone might ever tease me like that in public. Now that I'm dating Jack, though, I'm far less self-consious about things. Partly it's that our group knows we're not sleeping together, since I've been forced (that's another story) to be kinda vocal on the topic. So if he teases me, or if someone else does, it's clear that it's all in good fun, and no assumptions are made. I still get uncomfortable if conversations turn too detailed (about other people, never about me, thankfully), but I think that's only natural, and I just find a way to drift to a different group of people.
- I'm less comfortable with PDA than I expected. I was never a person who looked at a couple who were affectionate with each other and thought, "Eww," unless they were really over-the-top making out with each other. So, I never thought I'd feel self-consious about Jack wanting to randomly kiss me in the middle of something, which he does every once in a while. It's odd, but I'm really aware of who's around now...everything feels like it should be private, and when it isn't, I get weirded out. It's not like we're doing anything I would be really horrified about, should someone accidentally walk in on us, but I still feel very protective of our privacy. Weird.
- I still have chemistry with other people, which is a surprise. A big surprise. Somehow, even though I hadn't thought it through in quite so many words, I assumed that as soon as I started dating someone, I wouldn't have chemistry with anyone else. Right. And it's ok, self-control is all well and good and I have no desire to cheat on my boy, but it was just surprising. It probably shouldn't be, but there it is.
- The line between what is ok to do and what isn't, in terms of physical affection, isn't as clear as I had hoped it would be. I always said I wouldn't do anything more than kissing until I got married, and I still intend to do that. However, it hadn't occured to me that "kissing" isn't as clear a line as I thought it was. Kissing where? Is it ok only on the face area? Or is neck ok, too? Where does the neck end, in that case? And what about shoulders? They're a pretty neutral area. And so forth, right? We seem to have worked out a pretty good working definition, but I still worry sometimes.
- I can be happy dating someone I don't think I'm going to marry. This is maybe the biggest surprise. I never thought I'd date a guy who I really didn't think I'd marry, but that's what's happenning. Jack isn't Jewish, and while he's perfectly fine with me being sort of observant, he's a fairly outspoken atheist. Right there, that's a good reason for not marrying him...plus, there are more. Still, I'm happy to be dating him right now. It's the first real relationship for both of us, and it's been really good to us. I thought it would bother me, knowing that there's an ending (sort of) in sight, but I'm ok with that right now. Living in the moment and all that. I'm not usually good at that, but it seems to be working.
Not so coincidentally, today, it's been 5 months for us. Amazing.