Love's Lessons Learned
It's very interesting, being in a real relationship. I've always had these different ideas in my head of what a relationship would be like, how I would feel, what would and wouldn't be ok...and now that I'm actually dating someone (let's call him Jack, just because), I realize that I was correct on a few counts, but way off on a lot of things.
The things I was right about are few, but important, and so deserve their own, separate post. The things I was wrong on? Boy, there are a lot of them. Not that's it's a bad thing at all...I'm glad to be learning and modifying my point of view, but it really is quite a long list. Here goes!
- I don't get nearly as jealous as I expected to. This one has a lot to do with our friends, I think. The group Jack and I hang out with is a very affectionate bunch, so it feels natural to hug everyone, or hold hands with random people in the group when we're sitting around. Now, if someone asked me before how I'd feel about my boyfriend holding hands with some (cute) girl he was friends with, I would, without a doubt, answer that it would make me unhappy and jealous. Now, though, I realize that I trust him and I trust all the people in the group, and it really doesn't matter. I think I would still be unhappy if he was holding hands with someone outside the group, or if things went any farther than that, but I now realize that jealousy really is a matter of context.
- I'm far less self-conscious about being teased than I thought I would be. I used to be very easily embarrassed about teasing of any kind, but especially things having to do with sexuality, however tame. For a girl who's never done anything beyond kissing, having people assume that I'm more experienced was pretty mortifying. So when I heard someone say to his girlfriend, in response to an apology from her about something pretty small, "that's ok, you can make it up to me tonight," I shuddered to think that someone might ever tease me like that in public. Now that I'm dating Jack, though, I'm far less self-consious about things. Partly it's that our group knows we're not sleeping together, since I've been forced (that's another story) to be kinda vocal on the topic. So if he teases me, or if someone else does, it's clear that it's all in good fun, and no assumptions are made. I still get uncomfortable if conversations turn too detailed (about other people, never about me, thankfully), but I think that's only natural, and I just find a way to drift to a different group of people.
- I'm less comfortable with PDA than I expected. I was never a person who looked at a couple who were affectionate with each other and thought, "Eww," unless they were really over-the-top making out with each other. So, I never thought I'd feel self-consious about Jack wanting to randomly kiss me in the middle of something, which he does every once in a while. It's odd, but I'm really aware of who's around now...everything feels like it should be private, and when it isn't, I get weirded out. It's not like we're doing anything I would be really horrified about, should someone accidentally walk in on us, but I still feel very protective of our privacy. Weird.
- I still have chemistry with other people, which is a surprise. A big surprise. Somehow, even though I hadn't thought it through in quite so many words, I assumed that as soon as I started dating someone, I wouldn't have chemistry with anyone else. Right. And it's ok, self-control is all well and good and I have no desire to cheat on my boy, but it was just surprising. It probably shouldn't be, but there it is.
- The line between what is ok to do and what isn't, in terms of physical affection, isn't as clear as I had hoped it would be. I always said I wouldn't do anything more than kissing until I got married, and I still intend to do that. However, it hadn't occured to me that "kissing" isn't as clear a line as I thought it was. Kissing where? Is it ok only on the face area? Or is neck ok, too? Where does the neck end, in that case? And what about shoulders? They're a pretty neutral area. And so forth, right? We seem to have worked out a pretty good working definition, but I still worry sometimes.
- I can be happy dating someone I don't think I'm going to marry. This is maybe the biggest surprise. I never thought I'd date a guy who I really didn't think I'd marry, but that's what's happenning. Jack isn't Jewish, and while he's perfectly fine with me being sort of observant, he's a fairly outspoken atheist. Right there, that's a good reason for not marrying him...plus, there are more. Still, I'm happy to be dating him right now. It's the first real relationship for both of us, and it's been really good to us. I thought it would bother me, knowing that there's an ending (sort of) in sight, but I'm ok with that right now. Living in the moment and all that. I'm not usually good at that, but it seems to be working.
Not so coincidentally, today, it's been 5 months for us. Amazing.
posted by eve @ 9:00 AM
6 Comments:
Your observations on Jack's holding hands with another girl, and PDA are interesting. Granted, I'm coming from an Orthodox perspective, which *technically* forbids that kind of thing, but aside from that... My man holding another woman's hand, no matter how innocently, would really bother me. Handholding is a special thing that you do with a special person. It indicates that you and that person have a special relationship. It's personal, it's private, it's privileged. It's good that you're not jealous; I don't think this is a jealousy thing. Handholding (among other things), to me, says, "you're unique to me from all others."
I'll expand on that idea with PDA - kissing and such is equally personal, private and privileged, but even more so than handholding. I've always felt that people who are climbing all over each other in public have no respect for each other (or others who might be stuck witnessing them, for that matter). Being protective of your privacy is a good thing!
I'm impressed that Jack respects your decision to wait until you get married to go further than kissing. I don't hear that too often from guys his age (I'm assuming he is just post-uni age, too?).
Nice self-relationship-analysis!
I would agree with a lot of what projgen said, regarding your relationship with Jack. I've never held hands with an SDJ, let alone kissed. Touch is a very powerful sensation, and I'm saving it for whoever I marry. But it's totally understandable that you're not comfortable with PDA; it is something that is private, and it makes sense that you feel like affection should be kept between the two of you alone.
I also find it rather interesting that you're totally fine being in a serious relationship with someone you would never marry. If I was in a relationship that I was aware could not lead to marriage, that would be it for me. I guess that's also because I date in the Orthodox world, and we date for marriage, so if a relationship isn't marriage-oriented, it's over. I would feel like I was leading the guy on if I didn't break up with him before it got serious.
If you're Orthodox, you're not supposed to touch anyone of the opposite gender except for immediate family and spouse, right? Just making sure I'm clear on it.
In terms of holding hands, Projgen, I think that I had the same point of view, in theory, that you do...but now that I'm dating this specific guy and hanging out with this specific group, I see that the context of it really makes a difference for me. I think a big part of it is that people in the group are so huggy with everyone, so it would almost feel stranger not to be as affectionate with them than it is to see Jack holding hands with someone in the group. Does that make any sense, or am I rambling?
With PDA, I guess you guys are both right, kissing is a very private thing. I'm so used to being around people who don't think it's such a big deal that I feel like I'm the odd one out for feeling this way.
Projgen, I'm also very happy and rather impressed with Jack for being so understanding of my boundaries, especially since he doesn't agree with the reasoning behind them. He's a year older than me, so yeah, out of college not that long ago. I think part of it is that he hasn't been in a long term relationship before either, so he has no set expectations. The other part is that he's a very respectful person and knows that this is a big deal for me.
Oops, hit the "publish" button instead of the "preview" button.
Scraps, I get what you're saying about marriage, and I go back and forth about the topic. On the one hand, I would be very happy if I were dating someone I thought I'd marry. I wish that were the case, really. On the other hand, since I'm not part of an observant community, people my age just don't date with marriage in mind. I struggled with this (and am still struggling with it, really) and have finally decided that it's ok for now. I strongly suspect that I won't feel this way if (when?) Jack and I break up, and will want to date for marriage after this, but I guess it's working for the moment. I can't say that I'm totally fine with it, but it's kind of a temporary ok-ness.
I think I would feel like I was leading Jack on if he thought we could get married, and I didn't at all. However, we've talked about it a little (not the lightest of all conversations, that one!), and we're on the same page about this relationship being good right now, but probably not a forever thing. So, at least we're both clear on where we are.
If you're on the same page, and he's okay with it, then I guess I could understand why you'd be more okay with it also. For me, I just wouldn't want to get seriously emotionally involved with a guy unless I knew (or at least thought) I'd be spending the rest of my life with him. I'm very emotionally vulnerable, and it would be really bad for me to be in a serious relationship that wasn't leading to marriage because I'd be a total wreck and a half when it ended. But that's just me.
I can definitely see not wanting to date without at least believing that it would lead to marriage. Like I said, I go back and forth about it all the time. I guess it's working for me right now, being in this relationship. I'm not sure it will in the future, but it is what it is. And I'm sure I'll be an emotional mess, too...it worries me a bit.
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